Mess We’ve Made

Trying to be strong. Trying to be good. Oh, such a fake one! Nothing would be the same again. Stop imagining and expecting things to happen. The future that we planned we’re now all gone. All those sweet words, all the memories we’ve made together. Together we faced each consequences. Together we looked forward. Together we take a step. Together, we ended it all up. The mess that has been done between the two of us, another mistake.. And we’re both to blame.

 

 

I was hoping that the thing we had would last.. but I was wrong. I got lost and lost and lost in love until I found myself out of love with you, slowly taking off my grip with your warm hands, slowly extricating myself from the one I have loved. All gone…

 

 

Until I found my heart with you again… but you already left. Romeo and Juliet, aye? Romeo found out that Juliet is already dead and so out of love for her, he decided to just end up his life. But then Juliet is still alive, she just needs to be in that state to be together with the love of her life, Romeo. Romeo who was not informed with the state that Juliet was into. And to you, whom I haven’t cleared that I’ve got things to deal with myself decided to just go and be with someone. You who really can’t stay beside me.  Questions we’re bubbling up inside my head. Why? How? What’s the truth? But as far as I know…. We’re both to blame.

 

“..let this come crashing down. There’s no way to fix it now. We’re lost in the crowd. Our love will soon decay, just look at the mess we’ve made. We both know that we can’t stay…”

 

 

Trust me, it’s better if we just let go of the things that we’re getting a hold of. Instead of swallowing up the pain each and every day, let go. Yes, it would hurt, but time would certainly mend things. This agony t’will soon be gone.

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Step You Can’t Take Back

I can’t figure out myself. I let you out of my life, and now I want you back. I know it was all my fault. So stupid of me right? Everyday, I’m telling myself, “I’m okay without you. I’m happy.” B-but?! Just ugh! I don’t know what’s happening deep down inside of me. There’s this crazy thing that rumbles inside my heart every time I see you. I thought I was really happy seeing you smile because you’ve already moved on, but I was wrong. I wasn’t happy. I was in denial.

I can’t help but get angry of myself. They were right, you wouldn’t know what the worth of a person is unless he’s already out of your life. I know, what I did was right. But why does it feels so wrong? Now that I’m seeing you happy with someone, I can’t help but feel so damn affected.

I don’t want to know what I’m feeling deep down inside of me, I’m afraid of finding what it really is. Okay, maybe I know, I’m just too weak to admit it myself. I even wrote something about something on a stupid page where I found out that he’s doubting me. Gosh, I was even crying while writing it! So stupid of me. I know he won’t even lay his eyes on that stupid page so I’m safe.

I know I’m blabbing about nonsensical things. Oh well, this is about random thoughts anyway.

Every single day we make decisions, no! Scratch that! Every single minute we decide.. We decide if we’re gonna stand up, sit, eat, talk to other people, ask for some help, decide on what to eat, what to wear, jump, shout, smile, laugh and even cry. We decide on everything that we do. Even battles between brushing your teeth or not, take a bath or just go all out, wear undergarments or not. But those decisions, small or big, are the things we can’t take back. Those are the steps we can’t take back. It’s your decision whether to hurt yourself or not, to be selfish or to give way, to understand or to be stubborn, to fight or to fall down. It’s all in our decisions.

And it would be my decision if I would regret my decision or If I would take the consequences even if it would hurt me. And yes, I’ve decided to get hurt. To see him happy even though it wasn’t me he’s being happy with. To miss everything about him. To see places we’ve been together, alone. To eat dishes we’ve eaten together, alone. To keep each and every memory we’ve shared, keep it in a box, label it with “My Past” with the caption “Never Open. Dangerous for your heart.” I’ll be moving on, don’t worry. It might be really painful, but I know, time would come.. I would smile in front of you without any sudden jolt inside my heart.

Please Lord, help me. I can’t do this alone, help me Lord.

Confused little woman

It’s hard to tell if a person is really serious about you or not, if he’s just goofing around or just passing some time. If yes, unfortunately, you’re the shiny new toy he wants to play with, pass some time on and then dump after getting what he wants.

Figuring out a man’s real intention is very difficult. You could say that their gestures, the way they look and the way they show their efforts is enough for us to know the truth behind them. But that’s not it! — not so fast honey. They could conceal everything.

Beneath those eyes hides judgement. Silly grin lies behind those heartwarming smile. Sugar-coated words.. oh with thorns on the inside. You feel so loved, you feel that electrifying sensation burning inside you as he utter the words of your dreams. And then slowly– as the time goes by,  you feel the big lump on your throat. Piercing inside you.. getting it’s way into your system. Until you get to the point that when you wake up, you realize that you were fooled. Such a sweet agonize!

You get depressed over him. You feel the pain everyone’s talking about when it comes to love. You start remembering the times you’ve been with him, asking why the hell did he do that when all you did was appreciate the efforts he spent.

Could you picture it? That scenario that might definitely happen to you if you stay being stupid. Yes, stupid. Letting your heart decide on its own. The world has changed a lot! And so are the people! You have to use your brain. Learn from the mistakes that other people has experienced. Balance things out! Use your heart to feel, and use your brain to know the truth. If not? Pity on you! 

Not every man is the same as the first scenario. There’s always a man out there with truth in their mouth and love in their eyes. Someone you’ll be with as you walk through the path of being a better person. Someone whom you could share the joy in spite of struggles, the laughter in sadness, and the love in pain.

Do not settle for anything less. There’s so much more than where you are, what you are, and maybe who you’re with right now.Much much more! Don’t rush things out, chill as they say. Take time to think, maybe you already need to wake up from the spell your unworthy man has put you into.

Still a confused little woman? Oh shut up! Stop being stupid, please. It doesn’t make you beautiful. It will never do.